A Review (maybe a renewal)

I think reviews make me sad lately...sometimes they make me see things I've done in my life lately but are not happening now. Then again, maybe that's the point...to see things I've done but still need...I know that I'm going to cover more than a year here, but who cares, I don't think anyone other than me reads this anyway...

1. In 2008 we gathered a small group of disconnected and slightly disillusioned college students in our home.  We had an absurd notion in our head that there was more that what we were getting; that by getting together and being completely honest about our life, our struggles, our faith, that we would be doing something mysterious. We thought that we could heal, that redemption could be had, and that maybe we could even push back The Fall, if ever so slightly. I think few who were there on those nights would disagree with my assessment. We don't meet anymore. I don't talk to many of them, but I hope that they cannot unlearn what we did there on those nights.

2. In May of 2008, we embarked on a crazy journey of being restored to Ministry of some kind. We thought we planned to start a church because we were still so disillusioned by what we had experienced so far. I think God had to get to us with that one...I know He still is. I think we were probably a bit arrogant. Like we had some deep and amazing insight that makes us better and completely more alive than anyone else. To use someone else's words "We weren't joining a movement, we were rediscovering the Jesus that everyone else had lost." I know... I know...
After a long journey of prayer, searching, hurt, rejection, judgement, depression, we knew what we were built for: We strive to serve in existing churches...I maintain that there are lost within our old established churches just as much as in the world. Both must be reached and connected...

3. March of 2009 began our most recent journey: We accepted the call of FBC Big Lake for me to serve as Youth Minister. It is not easy. Getting into the thoughts and lives of students, building trust, tyring to connect with parents, trying to be a good father, a hard worker, not an over-worker (I've seen too many pastors now who have sacrificed their family on the altar of "Ministry" and I find it unacceptable), trying to live life after basically leaving normal life for awhile...it's been very difficult, something closely akin to culture shock. I feel acutely the pain of having to rebuild, of my closest friends being absent and silent due to distance, being far from family - even if they are crazy and unhealthy sometimes, the lack of significant relationships (though I have yet to find the strength to stand up, be awkward, and ask all the hard questions again, even if it means people being confused or appalled by me, just for the hope of finding one who responds). To be honest, I find myself fighting deep depression because it all seems so daunting...it's hard to find the strength to get up and bother to move some days. I'm working, though. I began this war in earnest over 2.5 years ago now and I'm not about to give up.

4. We finished our first full semester here. It's still hard to get to know all the students. I'm constantly haunted by the desire to be different. I wish that students really understood that...it's so difficult to be different. To not succumb to expectations whether perceived or real, to be different from everyone else around you or those who have come before (not that I'm better or extra-special or something), to define my life and ministry around something different than the normal or around entertainment...Our first semester has still had some great moments: We've made some good relationships with leaders and students. We have some students who seem to like us very much, though we still have to teach them to think for themselves. I see glimpses of understanding and leadership in a few, others will not rise no matter how hard you prod them...time will tell. We've had some fun things and good times. Here's to something amazing.

5. More than anything else, I realize that I've been too silent. I vowed to break silence and I've not lived up to myself. I need to find some new ways to push the envelope. I don't think I'm truly happy if I'm not saying hard things...maybe I should do it in some songs, too...


Here's to a New Year full of a loud, obnoxious faith that is at the same time infectious and challenging; full of life, growth, change, freedom, restoration, healing...and who knows, maybe can push back The Fall, if ever so slightly. Here's to mystery...I don't think we in America believe in that anymore. I want to believe in magic and mystery and wonder...I know God has it!

To conclude, some lyrics that have been haunting me today:

I can't keep a straight face and say that this is not the end
Not if you want it its upon us and I wanna say it's sinking in
If I was hasty maybe I was rushed along
I won't move into little boxes and then not get the itch to move on


So think real slow
Don't forget that yes is yes and no is no
Melting prints of grass and snow
Means I may forget the way to get back home
Cause this is the end if you want it
This is the end


You're not the first thing in my life I've loved and lost
Yeah I've thought worse things that I might be less inclined to merely just shrug off


You'll take me home
Like my family did my father did I know
You'll think real slow
But don't forget the speed that I can go away
Cause this is the end if you want it
Yeah this is the end


I've been convincing myself that I'm worthwhile
Cause I'm worth what I'll convince myself to be
I've been convincing meself that I'm worthwhile
Cause I'm worth what I'll convince myself to be


I me the devil and I stared her in the eyes
Her hair had scales like silver serpents
I a statue, stood there mesmerised


I took the fire escape and made it out alive
Yeah I still burn from time to time but I've a healing hand against my side


Blisters on my feet I crawled back home
Frozen from the sleet burned sand and stones
Nourished back to life by life alone
With one shake of the mane regain the throne