A Review (maybe a renewal)

I think reviews make me sad lately...sometimes they make me see things I've done in my life lately but are not happening now. Then again, maybe that's the point...to see things I've done but still need...I know that I'm going to cover more than a year here, but who cares, I don't think anyone other than me reads this anyway...

1. In 2008 we gathered a small group of disconnected and slightly disillusioned college students in our home.  We had an absurd notion in our head that there was more that what we were getting; that by getting together and being completely honest about our life, our struggles, our faith, that we would be doing something mysterious. We thought that we could heal, that redemption could be had, and that maybe we could even push back The Fall, if ever so slightly. I think few who were there on those nights would disagree with my assessment. We don't meet anymore. I don't talk to many of them, but I hope that they cannot unlearn what we did there on those nights.

2. In May of 2008, we embarked on a crazy journey of being restored to Ministry of some kind. We thought we planned to start a church because we were still so disillusioned by what we had experienced so far. I think God had to get to us with that one...I know He still is. I think we were probably a bit arrogant. Like we had some deep and amazing insight that makes us better and completely more alive than anyone else. To use someone else's words "We weren't joining a movement, we were rediscovering the Jesus that everyone else had lost." I know... I know...
After a long journey of prayer, searching, hurt, rejection, judgement, depression, we knew what we were built for: We strive to serve in existing churches...I maintain that there are lost within our old established churches just as much as in the world. Both must be reached and connected...

3. March of 2009 began our most recent journey: We accepted the call of FBC Big Lake for me to serve as Youth Minister. It is not easy. Getting into the thoughts and lives of students, building trust, tyring to connect with parents, trying to be a good father, a hard worker, not an over-worker (I've seen too many pastors now who have sacrificed their family on the altar of "Ministry" and I find it unacceptable), trying to live life after basically leaving normal life for awhile...it's been very difficult, something closely akin to culture shock. I feel acutely the pain of having to rebuild, of my closest friends being absent and silent due to distance, being far from family - even if they are crazy and unhealthy sometimes, the lack of significant relationships (though I have yet to find the strength to stand up, be awkward, and ask all the hard questions again, even if it means people being confused or appalled by me, just for the hope of finding one who responds). To be honest, I find myself fighting deep depression because it all seems so daunting...it's hard to find the strength to get up and bother to move some days. I'm working, though. I began this war in earnest over 2.5 years ago now and I'm not about to give up.

4. We finished our first full semester here. It's still hard to get to know all the students. I'm constantly haunted by the desire to be different. I wish that students really understood that...it's so difficult to be different. To not succumb to expectations whether perceived or real, to be different from everyone else around you or those who have come before (not that I'm better or extra-special or something), to define my life and ministry around something different than the normal or around entertainment...Our first semester has still had some great moments: We've made some good relationships with leaders and students. We have some students who seem to like us very much, though we still have to teach them to think for themselves. I see glimpses of understanding and leadership in a few, others will not rise no matter how hard you prod them...time will tell. We've had some fun things and good times. Here's to something amazing.

5. More than anything else, I realize that I've been too silent. I vowed to break silence and I've not lived up to myself. I need to find some new ways to push the envelope. I don't think I'm truly happy if I'm not saying hard things...maybe I should do it in some songs, too...


Here's to a New Year full of a loud, obnoxious faith that is at the same time infectious and challenging; full of life, growth, change, freedom, restoration, healing...and who knows, maybe can push back The Fall, if ever so slightly. Here's to mystery...I don't think we in America believe in that anymore. I want to believe in magic and mystery and wonder...I know God has it!

To conclude, some lyrics that have been haunting me today:

I can't keep a straight face and say that this is not the end
Not if you want it its upon us and I wanna say it's sinking in
If I was hasty maybe I was rushed along
I won't move into little boxes and then not get the itch to move on


So think real slow
Don't forget that yes is yes and no is no
Melting prints of grass and snow
Means I may forget the way to get back home
Cause this is the end if you want it
This is the end


You're not the first thing in my life I've loved and lost
Yeah I've thought worse things that I might be less inclined to merely just shrug off


You'll take me home
Like my family did my father did I know
You'll think real slow
But don't forget the speed that I can go away
Cause this is the end if you want it
Yeah this is the end


I've been convincing myself that I'm worthwhile
Cause I'm worth what I'll convince myself to be
I've been convincing meself that I'm worthwhile
Cause I'm worth what I'll convince myself to be


I me the devil and I stared her in the eyes
Her hair had scales like silver serpents
I a statue, stood there mesmerised


I took the fire escape and made it out alive
Yeah I still burn from time to time but I've a healing hand against my side


Blisters on my feet I crawled back home
Frozen from the sleet burned sand and stones
Nourished back to life by life alone
With one shake of the mane regain the throne

Turning Away (or more appropriately, the offensive gospel)

I wonder what people thought when Jesus said repent? I mean, if he's really talking about a life different from our own, what did they think? I've been told that the Jews were waiting for Messiah, the one who would lead the rebellion and crush Rome, regaining all the former glory of their Kingdom and way of life. The expected that he would begin by rebuilding the temple to its former glory. That sounds amazing...I can almost imagine the end of their exile and the rejoicing that would come when all those things happened, God and His servant stepping in to Judge all the oppressing nations and hold his people up...
I don't know about you, but that's not what my Jesus did...instead, he said he was greater than the Temple (put murderous thoughts of the priests here). He told all the rebellion leaders to "Repent" turn from their rebellion and choose God's way (there goes the zealous people) And that the biggest places in the Kingdom that God had in mind look like losers; meek, poor in Spirit, servants/slaves (top it all off with some hacked-off Pharisees)
There are times when I wonder why people get mad when I have an opinion that is contrary to theirs, but I really wonder if there's a way to say "Repent" in a non-offensive way. Not that we should try and offend people, but no one likes to be disagreed with, it makes us mad, because you're saying we're wrong. But I guess it's funny how Christians are the most easily offended sometimes too...we've got a lot of work to do...I don't think that we can turn this ship around on our own...

The Journey of Redemption

So, I think about this road I've traveled sometimes and I wonder why I would invite others on it. This space in which I write is about the process of me changing hands: taking my life out of my own hands and giving away to someone who knows how to use it better. The word I choose for this process of changing hands, this road I travel on, is Redemption. And you know what...it hurts!

I truly wonder sometimes if someone had told me what I would go through because of my life choice, all this pain and sorrow and scubula (go look that up...it's Greek), I really wonder if I would have chosen this road. You hear stories of weighing out the cost of our journey before we make a decision, but I wonder how much we can really understand...like when someone tells me that they are 'ready to get married.' I really love to hear that because it's worth one of those really good laughs, you know, so deep from your bowels that the laugh itself either hurts your abs or makes you need to vomit or poop.

I don't know that it's really possible to understand marriage well enough to know that you're ready to get married. I don't think our senses can truly comprehend what marriage is truly about until we are knee-deep in it. You, Mrs. Singleville, have the tiniest glimmer of and idea of what it is like to give yourself so completely to someone that you share your existence with them? Bah Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!! (that's that laugh I was talking about!)

I think it's the same with Redemption. We think we're ready and understand the journey, but then we look back one day from a WayPoint high in the hills. We see where the road led through loss and love and fire and rain. We know that we never ever want to be any place else than on this road, but we cannot see how we ever would have come this way on our own...

This is where I am tonight...I hope to see you on the road sometime...I wouldn't trade it!

Redemption
by Jars of Clay

We made it to a strange town
Going down the wrong road
Like any story retold
Couldn't find a common ending
We're way gone, be gone, looking for our own way

We needed a distraction
You said you were redemption

We knew it as a wrong turn
We couldn't know the things we'd gain
When we reach the other border
We look out way down past the road we came from

We're looking for redemption
It was hidden in the landscape
Of loss and love and fire and rain
Never would have come this way
Looking for redemption

We were looking out past the road we came from

Looking at redemption
Hidden in the landscape
Of loss and love and fire and rain
Never would have come this way
Looking for redemption
In the eyes of sorrow, eyes of rage
What a sordid histories they played
The drama of redemption
Redemption