Caught Saying the Wrong Thing

I recently had a disagreement with a parent. It was over a camp and how important it was. At the end, I think I ended out looking foolish, but even worse than that - I don’t mind looking foolish so much anymore cause I do it so often - I know that I made some inadvertent statements about myself, youth ministry, church, Christianity and even Jesus.

The first statement is that "____________ is more important than that." At fist glance you look and say. What!?!? But first I want to follow a train of thought that’s going in my head. In this instance the choice was, “You have to choose between camp and your college registration day.” (Let me say here how foolish this is. This argument will never win a battle with a parent, especially lost ones. It doesn’t even matter that there might be an equally good registration day down the road, this is still a bad statement) Some of you may say, why is that a bad choice. Because either choice reveals bad priorities. What I’m really saying (and they are hearing) here is: You have to choose between church and college. That is resoundingly what will be heard, and I think that’s the statement we DO mean to make if we really think about it. Church events are more important than anything. If we’re doing something, we believe to an extent that the world should stop for us and take notice of the great _________ we’re doing. This can go so far as to the little things we do. Even paintball. It sounds so silly when I type it, but I know that many of us have thought, “Why would you go to __________ when you can go to paintball with THE CHURCH. We believe that anything church does is more important than anything else. And here’s the largest problem with that. What we’re really saying on an even deeper level is “you have to choose between Jesus and college.” Because we equate Jesus and the church too often, this is almost always that statement others will here and sometimes we mean to make that statement too! Jesus is not the Church. We may be the body of Christ...we may be disappointed that people choose different things...but if you choose something else over camp, that doesn’t mean you’re rejecting Jesus. Or anything else Jesus is not ___________: fill it in with your events: Wednesday night Bible Study, Sunday School, Church time, Fundraisers, Camps, Service Project, Christian Concerts, Paintball, whatever. Jesus is Jesus and we do not show our love and devotion to him by making anything a war that doesn’t need to happen.

The second statement and just as damaging is “We know better than you do what’s good for your kid.” You may think, “I don’t believe that,” but you may accidentally say it loud and clear. If a parent or student chooses something else, then we can very easily be saying that they chose that over us. Which follows the same progression: you chose that over church or Jesus. What I was saying was that camp is more important than her child registering for college on that particular day. I know what’s best for your child because I see them for 2 hours a week. Don’t you care about the money/opportunity for growth/whatever that’ll be lost? The answer is, no, they don’t. And by saying those things we make ourselves an enemy. We are supposed to be a support to families, but we fall short so easily. It’s hard for a parent to understand when we walk in with unsolicited advice. “This is what’s best for your child,” we inadvertently say. I know I get mad when someone in church with good intentions tries to tell me how to raise my kid. But then I have to look back and see what their intentions were and that they are just trying to help. But that’s a learned filter. No regular parent comes equipped to take your advice as anything other than criticism, and they will take it that way and be offended! We have to learn to talk in the language of support.

Lord Jesus, may we not confuse you with the “stuff” that the church does. You are the head of the Church. You are something other than us and we are just the body trying to act out your will. But we are not a substitute for You and I pray that you put us in our place. Help us to love families and to remember that we all came from a screwed up family. Let us get to building relationships so that we have the right to offer constructive advice that will be listened to rather than the alternative. Amen.